I have been looking at the blank screen for over an hour, I have no idea how to even start writing about an ending. An ending that I never thought would happen. The end of my marriage.
It’s not your typical ending. We still love and respect eachother, we just grew apart.
It started 14 years ago. He courted me and within weeks I was in love, but too afraid to tell him. We dated for 7 months before he told me he loved me and I was over the moon. It was like a love story from the movies. He’s tall and handsome and was such a gentleman and he still is. He swept me off my feet. We were madly in love. We did fun things together, we tried all the new restaurants in town, went to see our favorite bands and saw all the new movies. We moved in together after a year and got married three years to the day we met. We had kids not long after. Tyler came after a year and Dylan two years later. I stopped working and dove into being a stay at home mom. I loved it. I was grateful I was able to stay home.
As the years went by, life and kids took a front seat as they often do and our relationship changed, or maybe we changed. We didn’t do fun things as a couple and focused most of our time on our boys. We got complacent and stopped trying. We got comfortable. The connection was gone.
I had a great life, but I felt alone. It’s hard to explain. The loneliness, sadness, the anger, and resentment. I tried to communicate, but I felt like it was me, like I was the one who was changing and being selfish in wanting more. I felt guilty. Guilty for wanting to be loved like I was so long ago. I struggled.
I know what you’re probably thinking. “That’s marriage.” I know it has it ups and downs and you work through them. Which we did. I also knew that it was never going to be like it was in the beginning. It never is.
I want to be loved, appreciated and supported. Someone to grow with me. As we get older we change or we don’t and that’s hard. It’s was hard for me at times.
We talked a lot about what was happening and how we were feeling, but we just couldn’t make it work.
The hardest part was telling our boys, our beautiful boys. I’ve never hurt so much as I did in that moment. It took every ounce of me to keep it together for them. I never wanted this for them or me.
I knew, that staying for our boys was the wrong thing to do. I’ve seen it all too often and it rarely ends well.
I need and deserve to be loved the way I want. It took me a long time to realize that. I know now it’s not selfish but self love.
We are better friends than husband and wife. We co-parent well. He is an amazing man and father. I will always love him. I don’t regret the years we spent together and the life we shared. There was so much love.
I am working on myself, loving myself and helping my community of amazing, beautiful and strong Unicorn Moms like myself. This is my calling, my mission in life. To help the broken like myself.
Divorce isn’t a failure. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. It’s just another chapter in our lives. These last seven months have been hard at times, like today I had a good cry. But sometimes crying is good. We need to allow ourselves to feel what we feel, process it and move on, however long that takes.
In the end we need to be an example for our children. We need to love ourselves, need to be strong and be happy because that’s what they need.