An open letter to my Fiancé...
I felt beautiful today. You weren't around to see it. You weren't around to watch me playing down on the ground on all fours, pretending to be a lion with our 2-year old son, or here for the conversations I had with our 6 and 10-year old son's when they got out of school. Hearing about their day, what they learned, their struggles and triumphs...
You weren't here to grab my hand as I walked by your chair, like you have done for so many years. You weren't here to say, "Good Morning, Beautiful." And hold me with your loving arms. You see, you have let my declining sex drive create a black hole between us.
"Women are so much more complex than men. You see, I crave intimacy and tenderness."
Sex once a week is unacceptable to you, all the while, you were not initiating things. You think that I should come on to you more. I think that if you're the one who wants it, you should come on to me and turn me on. Women are so much more complex than men. You see, I crave intimacy and tenderness.
When our 3rd child was born, 2 years ago, you started sleeping on the couch because the bed was crowded and you hate baby knees in your back. In the past 2 years, I've expressed how much I hate you not coming to bed with us, yet you continued to choose the couch... No back rubs, forehead kisses, tickles... That black hole grew bigger… Darker.
The past month has been quite the bumpy road. Never in our 12 years together, have you made me feel more alone, misunderstood and unloved than you have throughout April. You make me feel like a bad person because of my lack of drive, yet you've done nothing to help me pick it back up. I never imagined a day where you didn't look at me like the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. Well, that day has come and my heart is breaking into a million pieces.
"I hope you know, that once you push me away, I am gone for good."
I wish you understood what it was like to have a baby on your chest sleeping, and you have finally got the house quiet and calm, you're about to fall asleep yourself, but the person you love wants you to hop up and immediately be in the mood for them with NO warm up.
I hope you know, that once you push me away, I am gone for good. I won't be treated this way much longer. I will not co-habit a home with you in silence. This isn't just my fault. You are equally to blame. Maybe we will get past this. Maybe we won't. Just know, that I have loved you with every bit of my soul. I have been faithful, honest, hardworking and most of all, a damn good Mother to your children. Remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If we go our separate ways, I hope that 12 years down the road, when you have a new 'wife' that has 3 kids and a house to take care of, she is still wet for you every day.
Water your own grass.
Mow your own lawn.
And most importantly, don't be an insincere, selfish man.