Types of Moms
There are so many types of moms in the world. While this list isn’t exhaustive, I tried to capture the ones that stand out in my mind…
Let me set the scene for you: you are at concert with a few mom friends. It's a rare occasion and Nickelback is in town (I'll pause here until you stop laughing). You proceed to tell them that you once dated the drummer. Before you can even get a sentence out about how bad he was in bed, the "one upper" mom starts her story about how she once dated a rock star and was heavy into the scene; how she “was, like, BFFs with The Red Hot Chili Peppers”, went to all the cool parties, yadda yadda yadda. The mom that’s done everything you have done, only BETTER than you did it.
This is the mom who is… well… like your sister. You trust her more than your MIL (Mother In Law). She is so cool and chill and raises her kids like you do, you know on Lunchables, TV, 90's gangster rap, love, acceptance, reassurance, support, kindness, compassion, I could keep going but you get the picture. This mom is on the one you have been waiting for all your life. You finish each other’s sentences and can have a full conversation without saying a word. You pray every night that she doesn't die or move away.
The Hot Mom
The mom you think about, not in the "I wonder how she has the time to look like that?", but in the "I would totally hit that" kinda way. Let's be honest, women are f#&king HOT.
The June Cleaver
How in God’s name does she do it? She’s always smiling and “so happy to see you.” Every time you go to her house, it looks like a cleaning crew just left; she cooks seven nights a week (and it’s delicious); and she’s never said a negative thing about anyone. She’s either a ticking time bomb or one of those robots from the Stepford Wives. I’m not sure… but I think I saw some loose wiring hanging out of her perfectly ironed dress.
The Shy/Quiet Mom
The one you just want to run up to and hug. You want to pull her in and make her feel comfortable with all of us imperfect moms. We have all been there, being shy and nervous. F#&k I’m having flashbacks to High School. I need to stop talking.
The mom that wants to be you. You were introduced through a mutual friend and your jokes were extra funny that night. She started dressing like you, wearing your same hairstyle, stalking your social media, etc..... It's flattering, but really?!?!. Please don’t murder me.
The “No Filter” Mom
The mom who speaks without thinking in any situation. You have to be careful which social events you invite her too. She'll tell you not to get back with your baby daddy, tell you you’re gaining weight, tell you what friends of yours she doesn't like (and get very specific as to why). She'll tell you what you didn't want to hear, even if you didn't ask. But, occasionally she says the things you’ve been thinking, but decided not to say. Like “Stop being a bitch, Amber. It was just one drink, pump and dump!” And every time she’s around, something interesting is bound to happen.
The Fun Mom
That mom that you want to hang and party with all the time. She brings wine to play dates, even at the park. She's always tells the funniest stories, without being a one-upper. She gets you all free drinks at the bar, sneaks into movies and takes you drunk target shopping. Her motto is “life’s too short to be boring” (with or without kids). You know it will always be a f#&king good time when she’s around.
The Unicorn Mom
She is a combination of the Sister, the Hot Mom and the Fun Mom, with a touch of the “No Filter” if someone pushes the wrong buttons. She’s a loyal friend that knows how to have a great time. She can pick you up when you’re feeling down and get real with you when you’re being too dramatic. She has a sense of humor and doesn't get easily offended. She’s the mom you can invite out to cocktails or coffee (she might spike the coffee) and still have a great time.